The Government has finally come up with a law enabling owl and pussycat civil partnerships to go a step further and be classed as marriages. However, under pressure from the House of Lords, conditions have been attached in order, in the words of one conservative critic, ‘to preserve the institution of matrimony, and the human family’.
The Minister for Equalities defended the restrictions, saying ‘Marriage is first and foremost an institution uniting two parties of the same species, although my wife says I’m living proof to the contrary. But seriously, I’ve had letters from cats and birds up and down the country saying this is a jolly sensible piece of legislation.’
Amid interruptions and shouts of protest from the House, the Minister explained that those wishing to enter into a feline-avian marriage must sail away for a year and a day in a pea-green boat and be married by a turkey with a ring from a pig. An additional requirement of a nuptial meal of mince and quince was dropped at the last minute, due to the difficulty of settling on a legal definition of ‘runcible spoon’.