Five year old boy “doing well” after operation to remove cynicism

Surgeons in a Leicester hospital have successfully completed the UK’s first operation to remove a child’s cynicism.

The five year old is said to be ‘doing well’ after the eight hour operation, and doctors hope that the pioneering surgery can now be rolled out across the UK. Prof Mark Campbell from Leicester General Hospital said: ‘It’s still too early to say if all the cynicism has been removed, or if it will eventually reoccur, but so far signs are promising.’

The five year old, who has not been named for legal reasons, was first diagnosed after he started tutting and sighing during a trip to the circus.

Prof Campbell said: “Our patient’s tutting and sighing got louder and louder and started spreading. Soon every child in the circus was bored and claiming to have seen more impressive stuff on YouTube.

“It’s becoming more and more common. We don’t know if it’s because of phone masts or stress or parents having oral sex. Soon we think around 50% of all five year olds will be riddled with cynicism.’

The operation works by transplanting part of the brain of someone over the age of 30 who has just been to the circus. Doctors fire cells containing feelings of pining to be part of a group and feelings of wasted childhood ambition at the child’s cynicism. A similar operation was recently attempted in France, although in that tragic case the lack of cynicism made the Gallic child so unbearable that his parents begged doctors to put it back in.


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Posted: Jun 21st, 2013 by

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