‘We’ve been sending out our specially adapted cars to take panoramic views of the major slaying spots for execution-style murders,’ said Kelly Preston, spokesperson for the global technology giant. ‘We’ve now got more than 10,000 miles of views of 1960’s high-rise estates, industrial units, car parks and back-street pubs from Manchester to the East End of London, and from LA to Columbia. If you’ve got a bad-ass mother you need to silence, we can help you work out where to and how to.’
By using Google maps with ‘Drive-by’ a hitman can explore all the places around the world where they might want to rub out a rival, saving the hassle of staking out the victim’s territory. A ‘Drive-by’ user need only know where the potential victim lives and they can work out the whole ‘trip and hit’ from the comfort of their own home, or any place with a secure Wi-Fi network. ‘Drive-by’ even allows a user to step inside restaurants and small businesses to check out the scene if they think they might end up having to get out of the car to finish the target off.
The new service has been enthusiastically received by criminal overlords and small-town drug dealers alike. ‘Google Drive-by is so easy to use,’ purred crime syndicate boss Mickey Ross. ‘With its 360-degree street-level imagery I knew everything in advance about where ‘Pretty Boy’ Hennessy was going to be. From the moment he walked out of the bookies to the point at which he collapsed bleeding to death in the doorway of the chippy, I felt like I knew the ground down to the last fag end. It saved me loads of worry.’
‘Plus Google’s premium service gave me full access to Pretty Boy’s email and mobile phone records,’ continued Ross. ‘So I not only knew what my killing field looked like, but exactly when he’d be there.’