Environmentalists are celebrating the success of an experiment to tap into the vast heat resources of menopausal women as an alternative to fossil fuels. Researchers now believe that the irregularities in middle-aged women’s body temperatures could present a powerful and renewable source of energy.
‘It came to me when I was sitting with my wife in a café in Reykjavik when, at the onset of a hot flush, she suddenly leaped from her chair and out into the street,’ explained Professor Jorge Jorgensen. ‘It was minus fifteen outside and my first thought was ‘what a terrible waste of heat’, so I set about thinking of a way to harness the energy for the good of mankind. My second thought was ‘I should get a younger wife’.’
After months of experimentation and protests from his wife, Jorgensen devised a simple heat conducting unit in the form of a foil-based cape which can be kept in a handbag and retrieved at the first signs of a menopausal incident. The energy from the hot flush is gathered by the cape, which is then attached to a special transformer and plugged into an ordinary electrical socket to conduct the heat energy into the national grid.
‘We estimate that the energy generated by just 10,000 women will be equal to five hours of hydro-electric output from the Hoover Dam, or one hour’s output from the nuclear reprocessing plant at Sellafied,’ continued Jorgensen. ‘And many women’s hot flushes are followed by a ‘cold flush’, so we’re investigating whether we can then plug the device into any standard air conditioning unit.’
After months of drawing attention to his wife’s menopause and discussing it at length in the world’s media, Professor Jorgensen is now researching ways to harness the wind power of his wife continually shouting at him and the tidal power of her endless tears.
Dick Everyman (hat-tip to Lindy Moone)