“This is nothing to do with Kate’s waters breaking in Waitrose and her giving birth to the little heir in the back of a black taxi with the help of a royal protection squad dog handler who’s made sure he’s washed his hands before entering the, er, history books. This is to do with the glorious cosmic randomness of a new life,” said Buckingham Palace spokeswoman Dame Jeanette Smythe.
“Chances are this will be a very posh baby indeed,” she added, “with excellent manners, a talent for talking to people from all walks of life, a passion for good causes, and the prospect of achieving one A-level or fewer, or less. It will commit minor youthful indiscretions in the media spotlight and fly helicopters/ride horses/drive army trucks/pretend to join the marines, and then perhaps give it all up for a life in panto. Probably. But also we can’t rule out the risk that it might appear to be from an ethnic minority, or be a homosexual or even a female, and we have to plan for all of that. It’s such fun.”
Outlining the contingency plans being put into place, Dame Jeanette continued; “For instance, this week the Palace risk assessment team is work-shopping a scenario where the young new prince or princess develops Tourette’s Syndrome. This was at Prince Charles’s request after he watched ‘The Madness of King George’ on One Loves Film. An unnamed actor (Rory Kinnear) has been hired to repeatedly call Nicholas Witchell a ‘snotgobbling leper’ and other seemingly involuntary insults. The only downside we’ve seen so far is that Nick’s being really sporting about it. The c*nt.”
Tomorrow the team will address a scenario in which the new Prince or Princess demands their own brand of cheesy biscuits and throws tantrums to get it. “All highly remote possibilities, I know,” continued Dame Jeanette. “But we can’t risk ruling anything out. But then, this is what the royal household does best. Attention to detail.”