The future of the iconic Eurovision song contest is in doubt today, as revelations emerge that at least half of all the victories over the past few decades were down to performance-reducing substances.
Covert surveillance footage of Swedish songwriter Lars Johansson injecting himself with a cocktail of talent-suppressing chemicals before sitting down to write the winning entry has gone viral on Youtube, and Johansson himself has gone into hiding.
Urine samples taken from those involved in writing the songs have shown up alarming levels of substances designed to nip any creative impulse in the bud and to numb all feeling for real music. ‘Also, the drugs send lyricists into a trance-like state where all they can produce is recycled greeting-card sentiments on a loop, with few dee-dee-dees and ooh-ahs thrown in when they can be bothered,’ explained one music business insider.
There are bitter recriminations amongst those who suspected doping all along but whose warnings went unheeded. “I knew it!” says Bulgarian artiste Grigor Volgov, whose country went home without a single vote for eight years running, “suddenly all those dix points are beginning to make a lot of sense, aren’t they? Meanwhile, my people are honest and play fair, sing something quite catchy, and yet they are repaid with humiliation.”
Police carried out early-morning raids on the houses of a number of prominent Eurovision songwriters and their managers. ‘We’ve had suspicions about these individual for years, but could get nothing on them till now,’ says the police inspector in charge of the case. ‘Pumping out those vapid, slushy songs year after year – it seemed almost superhuman. Who in atheir right mind and a sober state could ever write something called Diggi-Loo Diggi-Ley, inflict it on the public and not kill themselves afterwards?”
Investigators are leaving no stone unturned in their hunt for more evidence of drug use. “I’ve listened to all the songs from the last fifty years to see if there’s some sly reference to dope in there,” says one exhausted investigator, who has now taken to drink. “You know how some pop stars can’t resist mentioning it – Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds, and all that. We even played a few of them backwards, till we realised they sound exactly the same whichever way you play them”.
Meanwhile, former Eurovision presenter Terry Wogan admits to being flabbergasted by this bombshell, but made a startling confession about his own involvement: ‘I always said to myself after presenting a show that I’d have to be juiced up on a cocktail of chemicals myself before I’d ever do another. And so it came to pass.’