Education Secretary Michael Gove has unveiled controversial plans to make stupid eleven year olds fight to the death in arenas throughout England.
‘Stupid children have been holding this country back for decades,’ said a spokesperson for the Department of Education. ‘Let’s make this clear, MICHAEL GOVE HATES STUPID KIDS. We’ll test them at eleven and if they fail we’ll wheel them off to the local arena.’
‘Obviously the fight will only be over when one child is dead. Not broken, not sore, not paralysed; dead. But the winning child will live to fight another day, and you can’t say fairer than that.’ he added. ‘Call it streaming, if you like.’
The Government has rejected criticism that the plans are barbaric and pointed out that the fights will give at least half of the 11 year olds in the country – the stupidest, most aggressive ones – an excellent grounding for a later career in politics.