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NHS Experts’ report concludes ‘Hospitals need more experts’

Teams of experts sent into hospitals to discover why patients are dying in their thousands unnecessarily believe they may have found the answer: many more experts are needed.

Fifty nine experts were sent into 11 failing hospitals and spoke to several hundred expert managers, leading Professor Sir Hamish Andrews, Joint Deputy Assistant Chief Executive of the NHS Patient Experience Investigating Board to conclude in his report that there was nothing wrong that more expert managers couldn’t fix.

‘Our business was mostly conducted in the restaurants, which actually were rather good, but in North Leeds hospital, one of our experts took a wrong turning and ended up surrounded by people in beds. Apparently this is called a ‘ward’. A lady in uniform, who called herself ‘matron’, said she had been on duty since February 2007 without a break, and seemed to think the reason why lots of people die in hospitals unnecessarily was “because we need more f***ing nurses, you idiot!!”

‘Obviously that sort of behaviour can’t be tolerated so she’s been sacked and will never work for the NHS again. The people in the beds were given 3 hours notice to stop being so lazy and to get up and do a decent day’s work, which means we will at last be able to get rid of the ‘wards’ and turn them into offices for the many additional expert managers that are urgently needed.’

‘It’s a simple solution to a seemingly difficult problem,’ said Prof Andrews, ‘but then, that’s what experts are for.’

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Posted: Jul 18th, 2013 by John Wiltshire

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