After baffled doctors recently likened Kate Middleton’s gestation period to that of a giraffe, an impatient Prince William has enlisted the services of gardening guru Alan Titchmarsh, with help from former chancellor Alistair Darling, in a desperate bid to induce the soon-to-be monarch out of Kate Middleton’s womb by the magic of tedium.
Alastair Darling was the first on the Prince’s list, after the politician’s 2008 ‘Budget Wednesday’ speech on plastic bags and winter fuel payments induced a widespread hypno-narcosis across much of northern Europe, ensuring the ex-chancellor was a shoe-in for the the ‘UK’s Most Boring Human’ award that year.
TV gardener Alan Titchmarsh, who is famous nationwide for having similar levels of charisma to a telephone pole, has already arrived at London’s St Mary’s Hospital to get to work.
Dr. Upton, chief consultant on St Mary’s maternity ward, said the unusual tactic isn’t as strange as some may think: ‘We have all heard of the phrase “bored to death”, well there is such a thing as “bored to birth”, too. If you were trapped in a room with, lets say, Alan Shearer or Dermot Murnaghan, your first instinct would be to seek the nearest exit. That’s exactly how this medical procedure is designed to work’, said the doctor.
Alastair Darling, who may only speak once doctors have vacated the room and Kate is under anaesthetic, has been tasked with re-reading every Budget Wednesday speech he’s ever written, twice, followed by a complete reinactment of every one of his appearances on the Andrew Marr show.
Arriving in St Mary’s foyer, Titchmarsh says his first plan will be to sit opposite the Duchess and begin explaining, in agonising detail, how to successfully cultivate topsoil ‘with only hand-held equipment’ during periods of prolonged drought.
‘I can talk about that topic alone for several hours’, said the obsessed with begonias and delighted to talk about it TV presenter. ‘I suspect the Royal baby will be climbing the walls within half an hour. If that doesn’t work, I’ll bring out the big guns and give the young monarch a breakdown of how to successfully erect a garden shed without compromising the natural aesthetics of a country garden. And, if all else fails and it starts looking serious, I’ll get the ferret out.’