“What we’re really trying to achieve is more small-scale scandals that are cheaper and easier to deal with rather than huge scandals that make for compelling viewing but are massively costly and don’t produce adequate returns,” said Head of Contrition Jane Surmise.
“That’s not to say that we will eradicate scandal altogether,’ she added. ‘It’s an important part of our output and the license payer is learning to expect and enjoy regular tales of BBC mis-management, corruption, greed, incompetence and abuse, and we intend to live up to those thoroughly justified expectations and give the public absolutely what they want.”
A feasibility study into ‘monetising’ scandal is now under way, aimed at making little scandals profitable before upsizing to enormous ones. The first stage of the study, with a budget of £2 million, is already ahead of the game, looking into commercialising the Savile scandal by turning it into a Hollywood-scale film for global sale.
“The goal is a deeply serious movie about a massive event in the British psyche that involves questioning and morals, public accountability and all that transgressive sex and sleaze that we know shifts popcorn worldwide – and all against a great soundtrack of 70’s and 80’s music,” said excited BBC Head and Shoulders of peculiarity Mark Smidders. “Think ‘Boogie Nights’ meets ‘Points of View’ meets ‘Magic’. We’ve approached a number of Hollywood stars famous for creepy roles to play the part, and with the right casting and co-production, and a star director, we see the Jimmy scandal movie turning a profit of over £20 million by the end of 2015 with a worldwide cinema release.”
Not only could large scale scandals now finance themselves, analysts predict, it could even help pay off the huge sums given to hopeless departing executives like George Entwhistle.
Media analysts are predicting that BBC Scandal will become a staple of the schedules, replacing worn out themes like reality and cookery tv. An early pilot came to nothing, however, as BBC executives tried to persuade Charles Saatchi to appear to put his hands round his wife Nigella Lawson’s neck on BBC premises, but a deal could not yet be reached with either party.
Alan Yentob has vowed to ‘have a word’.