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‘Internet nerds’ now seek advice on buying dirty mags ‘without looking rapey’

either that or subscribe to Kay's catalogue's lingerie sectionFollowing David Cameron’s plans to make access to online pornography more difficult, thousands of young men of the internet generation have turned to their wise elders for advice on how to buy a dirty magazine, without looking ‘a bit rapey’.

After the internet porn-boom in the late nineties, saucy material became readily available with the click of a mouse, leaving those born post-1987 ‘ill-equipped’ with the skills required to conceal a copy of Readers Wives within the latest issue of Caravanning Weekly, without being apprehended – an ability, until now, considered a ‘lost art-form’.

Often fraught with danger, the mission to retrieve such material was only accepted by the brave, and victors were often decorated as ‘heroes’ for years afterwards, and it’s these ‘forgotten professionals’ young men are now looking to for inspiration, following Cameron’s stance on online filth.

Tommy Stephens, once considered Bournemouth’s ‘go-to guy’ for dodgy mags, says he’s setting up workshops for ‘hapless modern computer nerds’. ‘These kids haven’t got a clue’, said Tommy. ‘Walking out of a newsagents with a top-shelfer is no walk in the park; it’s a skill-set, and you have to know exactly what you’re doing’.

Many lost techniques are beginning to re-surface, including the ‘cough and grab’ tactic, considered a favourite of many men in the early nineties, that worked on the principle that ‘absolutely anything’, including grabbing a magazine, can be disguised by a sudden coughing fit.

‘My personal trick was to enter the shop in total disguise’, said Frank Kirk, who claims to have a ‘decade’ of porn mag shopping experience. ‘To conceal is to steal, and I’m no thief. All you need is a stick-on moustache, heavily tinted shades, a leather jacket and a cigar. Nobody will know it’s you, and you’ll look majorly kickass doing it as well, a bit like the blokes in the mags,’ added Frank.

Jesus H

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Posted: Jul 23rd, 2013 by Jesus H

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