Queen to allow swans to eat vegans


Palace officials and conservationists are poring over radical proposals to allow swans to eat the Queens subjects for the first time since the Act of Swans in 1482.

The swans of the river Itchen recently brought a class action against a prominent sandal-wearing vegan known only as ‘Dick’ who had referred to the birds as ‘nature’s river-mincing fancy pants’. Kevin, a spokesbird for Waterfowl by Royal Appointment, offered to re-educate Dick by snorting his balls and wearing the shrivelled gentleman’s bag as a party hat.

Kevin, or cob swan #13 (according to the ring clamped to his leg after a bloody battle with conservationists), admitted that he had almost given into temptation to sample human flesh beforehand, particularly when it smelled of bacon sandwiches.

The birds, generally tired of eating pond life, asked the Queen if they might be permitted to vary their diet to include vegans. Later, when their metabolisms had adjusted to fancier food, some of the feathered brethren wished to move on to fatty ‘scum’, particularly those who blithely pretend not to notice their overweight hounds leaving steaming dog eggs on pristine riverbanks.

The government has unexpectedly given backing to the swans proposal, provided the birds limit themselves to those on benefits, or with expensive or unattractive disabilities.

Squudge, hat tips to Dick De Menthe and Titus

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Posted: Jul 24th, 2013 by

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