Payday loan company Wonga has hastily announced plans to diversify and offer unsecured ‘high cost salvation’ in response to Justin Welby’s recent decision to offer Church of England payday loans. Wonga boss Errol Damelin welcomed the Archbishop’s scheme to rival the payday loan market leader, but pointed out that ‘competition cuts both ways’. ‘Customers will have the opportunity to offload short term guilt, but that will be set against the risk of eternal damnation’ he explained.
While the Church of England plans to assist non-profit lenders, Wonga hopes to offer a range of services traditionally reserved for organised religion. ‘With our ‘high interest burial service’, the corpse will be hurled into an old quarry’ explained Damelin. ‘If they’re lucky, natural subsidence will cover the remains. For those not so lucky, the rats will finish them off. And of course, their families will find out shortly afterwards that we are the sole beneficiary of their loved one’s will.’
One customer expressed some dissatisfaction with Wonga’s trial ‘quickie marriage package.’ ‘Initially I was taken to a warehouse, with a bag on my head,’ complained the would-be groom. ‘I was then told to choose from three ‘gender unspecific’ brides that they had locked in the next room. I just picked a number randomly. What could I do? I’m now married to a short-haired goat called ‘Keith’. He’s eating me out of house and home, and apparently another four are turning up next week!’
Wonga’s Head of Marketing tried to put things in perspective however. ‘The payday industry may be worth £2bn but the salvation market is much more lucrative. I admit that our loans have had default rates of around 50%, but what success rate in helping customers into heaven can the Archbishop of Canterbury prove, eh? We feel we could offer an affordable alternative and if someone defaults on their soul, does anyone really care?’