‘Refuse to pay our loans back and I’ll give you arse cancer’, warns God

Following the Archbishop’s plans to ‘take down’ payday lender Wonga by offering people an alternative, the Church of England have released the first promotional video for its new ‘revolutionary credit facility’ today, featuring the Almighty God himself, who claims their punishments for late payments will be ‘much more severe’ than Wonga’s, ensuring nobody will ‘even dare get into debt’.

God, who says Wonga’s ‘wimpy legal approach’ to debt collection is the major cause of payday loan misuse, insists that the Church of England’s overdue balance penalties, which can include a ’bout of arse cancer, severe gingivitis and eventually eternal damnation’, will act as a ‘strong enough deterrent’ against late payments, effectively wiping out Britain’s loan debt crisis.

‘If you knew that falling behind on your loan instalments would cause the death of one hundred adorable puppies somewhere in the world, would you still miss the payment? No, you wouldn’t’, explains God in the glitzy three minute promo. ‘Our interest rates will be ten times lower than the lowest rate currently on offer, which allows us to be a little more creative with our debt collection practices, which in turn will result in fewer debt cases. It’s genius!’

Jesus H

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Posted: Jul 26th, 2013 by

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