The latest in the Important Changes To Your Account money mystery series from NationalBust Bankloyds has sent savings fans wild with enthusiasm, with many saying the latest set of rules are the most terrifying yet.
Penned anonymously, the letters are sent once a week to fans of the bank. Though seemingly routine and innocuous, the blandly worded statements about what appear to be mundane banking procedures actually contain deadly hidden threats. They’ve become a cult among horror fans, who delight in sifting through the officialese and identifying the killer conditions.
The statements are issued under the pen name Susan Bailey, Customer Relationship Manager who is seemingly based in a Post Office box somewhere in the City Of London, but anyone who tries to contact this person soon discovers that nobody of that name exists in the entire organisation. Any attempts to write to the address given will be futile. There are hints in the job title of the pseudononymous ‘Bailey’ too. Banking industry watchers will know that there’s no such thing as a customer relationship. ‘If banks have a relationship with their customers, it could only be described as an abusive one,’ said a relationship expert. ‘It would be the sort of relationship that everyone would like to see ended, with the exception of Jerry Springer, who might use it as the basis of entertainment on his talk show.’
The authors of these chillingly brutal banking regulations updates are thought to be a team of anonymous lawyers. Skilled at hiding improvised explosive legal devices among a series of blandishments, they bury killer clauses with the narrow eyed, rat-like cunning of psychopaths. It is this brutalism that has made the Important Changes To Your Account letters cult reading for fans of horror and organised crime.
The next instalment of Important Changes To Your Account is timed for Friday, a day when many people will be leaving for their holidays and won’t want to spend time dawdling over an unreadable bank letter. Which, as banking horror fans know, could be fatal.