Halliburton fails to extinguish pants

Eyewitnesses attest to seeing burning underwear off the Mississippi coast, as oil executives frantically set fire to any evidence pertaining to their role in the Deepwater Horizon disaster. The toxic waste generated by the Y-fronts of former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney alone, have caused dark clouds across the whole of America.

It has been three years since the oil gusher was capped, but there is still a distinctly ‘whiffy’ smell emanating from the Gulf of Mexico. No stranger to ethical misconduct, Halliburton and its subsidiaries have paid over $1b in out of court settlements to hush up bribery and corruption accusations. Strangely, however, they have been less than eager to send financial help to the thousands of individuals affected by the oil spill. Despite recording profits in the billions, Halliburton has only voluntarily paid 0.6% of the equivalent damages paid by BP and Transocean. A spokesman for the company said: ‘Liar, is a highly emotive term. We’ve simply sub-contracted honesty, outsourced truth and donkey-punched integrity.’

Led for many years by that ‘paragon of virtue’, Mr. Cheney, Halliburton has been the main financial beneficiary of the Iraq War. Multi-billion dollar military contracts were awarded to the company, including the construction of the steel holding cells at Camp X-Ray. The spokesman explained: ‘Every time we got involved in something nefarious, we started to get covered in a sticky residue. As the guilt reaches a critical mass, your trousers become drenched in incriminating evidence. Subsequently we’ve been burning pants, dead seagulls and the US flag for years.’

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Posted: Jul 27th, 2013 by

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