With all the votes counted in Zimbabwe’s general election, officials have today confirmed that President Robert Mugabe has been elected as the new Doctor Who. The 89-year-old will be unveiled live on BBC1 on Sunday night, along with his assistant Morgan Tsvangirai, and will take up the role in December when the current Doctor’s term of office comes to an end.
‘This is a splendid victory for our glorious President,’ said a Zanu-PF spokesman. ‘He deserves to become a Time Lord – no one has done more to turn back time and rewrite history in Zimbabwe than our great leader. He is the people’s choice and has an outstanding record in facing up to those white cybermen.’
The announcement ends months of speculation as to who will be replacing the incumbent Matt Smith. Mr Mugabe emerged as the frontrunner in the last fortnight after a number of other contenders were ruled out: Edward Snowden because of travel commitments, Nelson Mandela due to health issues and James Corden due to decades of vote rigging and sustained human rights abuses.
However, both bookmakers and the Electoral Commission have expressed surprise at Mugabe’s appointment, especially given that the iconic sci-fi role was not on any ballot paper. ‘The whole casting process was seriously comprised,’ said one observer from Equity. ‘Peter Capaldi and the one who played Rupert Grint in Harry Potter both tried to put their names forward but they were turned away by Mugabe’s henchmen.’
But Olusegun Obasanjo, Head of the African Union observers, declared the election ‘free, honest and credible – or at least in comparison to the commissioning process for most BBC programmes.’ And Steven Moffat, executive producer, confirmed that he was in no way swayed in his choice by the dozen masked and armed strangers who have been camped in his garden for the last month.
It is thought that many of the new Doctor’s adventures will feature his famous arch-enemy, the Daleks. They are said to be furious to learn that Mugabe has the same catchphrase as them and that for years every time someone has contradicted him he shouts ‘Exterminate!’
Story by Wrenfoe, picture by pinxit