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Simon Cowell admits to life-long affair with himself

Shamed X-Factor chief Simon Cowell was left facing difficult questions today after details of his sordid affair with himself were revealed by his former lover.

Lauren Silverman, whose own affair with Cowell ended when she discovered that he was seeing himself behind her back, claims the TV producer took himself on secret luxury holidays, ‘wined and dined himself’ in top London restaurants, and regularly booked himself into single rooms in 5-star hotels for one-in-a-bed romps. He then cruelly ended his relationship with Silverman by telling her ‘it’s not you, it’s me. Literally’.

Cowell’s uncontrollable erotic narcissism, which he claimed had stopped when he met ex-fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy, was re-ignited several months ago following the 53-year-old’s chance encounter with a mirror in his eight-million pound LA retreat. ‘My eyes met me from across the room’, said Cowell. ‘I tried to pull myself away, but I knew it was too late. I’d fallen for myself once again. I’m sorry.’

US socialite Silverman has claimed that she once secretly witnessed the multi-millionaire TV personality giving himself a full ‘X-Factor style judgement’ of his own body in front of a full-length mirror. ‘He knew I was in the house, that was the sick part,’ sobbed Silverman. ‘He’d rub himself down in oil and declare, out loud, that ‘Simon has serious talent’, before telling his own backside that he was ‘impressed’ and that he was putting it through to ‘booty camp’. I hope he and himself will be happy together – they deserve each other.’

Cowell was apologetic today. ‘I realise I’ve hurt a lot of people, but this is between me, myself and I,’ said the love rat from aboard his five-million-pound yacht, which he named ‘Simon’. ‘I would be grateful if people could respect my privacy over this matter. I don’t mean for good – just until the next series of X-Factor starts.’

Jesus H (hat-tip to beau-jolly)

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Posted: Aug 3rd, 2013 by Jesus H

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