The Health Secretary today published a radical plan not to kill people in hospital. This flies in the face of recent Government initiatives such as – ‘Wages spoil Nurses’, ‘Beds are for Wooses’ and ‘Follow the Harold Shipman Pathway to lower Waiting Lists’.
A dishevelled looking Jeremy Hunt appeared before the press. ‘Last night I was visited by three ghosts – the past, the present and the NHS yet to come’ he said, trembling. ‘Nye Bevan warned me to ‘Stop funding private health care!’ A grumbling appendix said ‘Trust Doctors!’ And a large breast implant told me to…well…it just kind of wobbled in an agitated manner. So I just thought we’d give it a go – ok? Call me weird, call me wacky, call me off the wall – you know…ask nurses to care for patients, try to get by without a Deputy Assistant Acting Sub-Co-Manager of Paper Tissues for the Gents Toilet and see if we can get out of hospital alive.’
The world’s leading experts on patient safety, Professor Don Berwick, said: ‘That’s a great – ‘ but was instantly interrupted by several thousand managers, who beat him unconscious. One manager then said ‘Let’s get him to a hospital!’ which made all the other managers laugh like drains.