In the early hours of this morning a mysterious note was pinned to the gates of the US Embassy in Yemen. Written in Arabic, red crayon and on the back of a dry-cleaning receipt; US officials were quick to link it to Al-Qaeda and a ‘shifty looking fella’ spotted leaving the vicinity.
Meanwhile Britons were on heightened alert due to intelligence reports gleaned from ‘some bloke’ in the saloon bar of The Red Lion in Charing Cross. The unnamed ‘bloke’ has long been a reliable source of ‘verbatim’ Intel; using a sophisticated triangulation of data between GCHQ, PRISM and an ex-SAS guy who ‘runs a kebab shop’ in Lewisham. His experience extends to a range of national security issues such as immigration levels, the 3:30 at Doncaster and the menopausal cycle of the barmaid. At last orders he was heard to cryptically warn patrons within ear shot ‘not to travel abroad or north of the Watford gap’.
The US says it will keep a number of embassies in North Africa and the Middle East closed until Saturday but does not want people to feel unduly alarmed by ‘unspecific but VERY, VERY REAL threats’. In an attempt to allay fears the State Department in Washington released this breezy statement: ‘Dear Al, sorry to have missed you today – but we were out stocking up on Ferrero Rocher. While it’s a closely guarded secret…oh, what the hell…secrets shmecrets – if you come back Tuesday that will be fine…’
By Titus, Ronseal, Medici2471, Topfotogmw and the Newsbiscuit Writers’ Room.