Makers of TV show The Apprentice have confirmed that 2014’s series will see contestants on winning teams get treats more appropriate to people starting off in business, especially in the early rounds of the competition.
‘It took me 20 years to get to the point where I could swan off to some la-di-da health spa in a helicopter for the afternoon,’ declared a disgruntled Lord Sugar. ‘These youngsters should experience the rewards of my early career: a hotel room that doesn’t always smell of cat’s piss, an evening in the company of a thirty-something lady called Michelle who laughed at my every joke and a pay-to-hire Betamax that appeared on the hotel bill as ‘telex services’.’
Following on from week one’s Travelodge on the Wolverhampton ring-road experience, the victorious team in episode two will move up to the Jury’s Inn in Manchester and a better-looking escort girl. Episode Five’s winners can expect Lord Sugar’s own personal secretary to block calls from their family, telling partners they’ve been ‘called away on urgent business in Nomobilereceptionistan’, even as the contestants stuff used twenties down the G-string of a bored-looking Romanian girl at Spearmint Rhino in Croydon.
Despite the fact that there seemed to be little in way of treats aimed at female contestants, Lord Sugar was quick to deny allegations of sexism. ‘Whatever the boys get, I’ll make sure the ladies get too’ he stated. ‘Young women these days should be delighted at hiring a man who does exactly what they ask of him, and I’m happy to announce that my assistant Claude has offered personally to fulfil this role for any girls who get through the interview round’.
The revelation that rewards in business are frequently seedy seems to have had no impact on the number of people wishing to join the show, with applications significantly up on the 2013 series.
‘I wasn’t sure about applying’, said portable omelette entrepreneur Wayne Henderson, ‘ but when I found out I had the chance to chunder outside the very same pub where Lord Sugar decorated the pavement during a trade show in 1979, well, I got on to the website immediately. And when I get kicked off, I’ve heard rumours there’ll be a little something for me in the BBC toilets right before the filming of ‘The Apprentice – You’re Wired’.’