During an appearance at Dunstable Crown Court a man accused of serial murder, abduction, child abuse and multiple counts of rape – in common parlance a monster – today announced to the jury that he isn’t really a monster and that it’s actually everybody else’s fault.
‘I am not a monster,’ the monster announced from the dock as he gnawed on a human thigh bone and partook of an act of self abuse too explicit to describe here.
‘It wasn’t me – it was them. Their lack of compassion compelled me to commit these atrocities. Those women begged for decapitation and the kids thrived on being systematically starved into oblivion. They were all gagging for it. All I can do is beg for your understanding, empathy, general humanity and a not guilty verdict. It’s what all of the deceased would have wanted.’
The Defending QC pointed out that his client had neither sharpened teeth, green skin or the additional limbs that ‘mythologically-speaking’ a monster should have. ‘At no point has he hidden under the bed, horded treasure or resorted to the phrase “Mwhahahahah!”‘ the lawyer summarised. ‘Too often society demonizes monsters instead of focusing on the real threats to humanity; which are, as we all know, the long term unemployed, socialists and people with accents.’