British adventurer Sir Ranulph Twisleton-Wykeham-Fiennes has said he’s been left feeling ‘deflated and unfulfilled’ after being forced to call off a three-month nationwide expedition to find a can of Coca-Cola with his name on. Leading a two hundred-strong team of researchers and scientists, the intrepid explorer finally admitted defeat and abandoned the expedition, conceding that the closest his team came to reaching their goal was finding a bottle branded ‘Randolph’.
After watching hundreds of his friends uploading pictures of their own personal bottles and cans of Coke on Facebook, Sir Ranulph says he became ‘increasingly frustrated’. After conducting his own personal search in a Spar near his home in Exmoor, which ended in disappointment, the conqueror of the Antarctic and the White Nile set about organising a large team to track down a can he could finally call his own.
‘We’ve rifled through everything from newsagents’ fridges in the Gower Peninsula to recycling bins on the Shetland Islands, all to no avail,’ admitted Fiennes, who suffered a mild cold during the Somerset leg of the search. ‘It’s disappointing that we lost three members of the team during the search, but I’d rather that than spending the rest of my life wondering ‘what if?’ I’ve tried scribbling my name on a bottle of Pepsi Max with a black marker pen, but somehow it just doesn’t feel legit’.
The marketing team at Coca-Cola, who launched the ‘Share-a-Coke’ campaign in March, have sent their condolences to the defeated explorer. ‘We’re sorry to hear about Sir Ranulph’s failed expedition,’ they said, ‘but we would stress to anybody else who is considering undertaking a similarly large operation to instead just check the list of all the names we’ve chosen on the website’.
Scotland’s leading soft drinks maker Girders immediately offered to create a whole new series of Irn-Bru with Sir Ranulph’s name on it but he declined. ‘I might spend months at a time living with severe frostbite in a thin tent at minus 60 with 200 mile an hour winds howling outside but I’m not THAT mad,’ he said.
Hat tip to Spartacus