Northern Ireland’s Chief Constable Matt Baggott has said that the only way the province can have a peaceful marching season is by sporting a red fluorescent mullet while wearing a lycra onesie covered in ‘mother of pearl’ buttons. The police have now warned that neither Unionists nor Nationalists will be permitted to march unless they are willing to camp it up as carroty Pearly Kings and Queens.
After another night of rioting in Belfast, murals of William III and Bobby Sands will be replaced by images of Rylan Clark doing his best ‘blue steel’. ‘The people of Northern Ireland do not have a monopoly on suffering,’ said one Civil Rights campaigner. ‘Homosexuals have been discriminated against for two thousand years, ‘gingerism’ is real and the people of the East End have had to live with the shame of Danny Dyer’.