A formerly edgy comedian is considering taking part in a popular BBC 1 cookery or even gardening show, if asked. The comedian, known for the dangerous and illegal things he did with his mouth, nose and genitals in a meteoric career spanning eight years said he was ‘disappointed’ at the Pret a Manger lunch arranged by his agent to discuss the deal, but ‘resigned’ to a future appearing on BBC1 looking at a stately home or pretending to cook profiteroles or finding out how to de-clutter his house.
‘I mean there was a time when my agent would take me to a posh happening restaurant, I’d vomit in the soup and he’d have already phoned the Mail so I could be photographed with a mucky shirt on the way out! Now it’s fucking crayfish mayonnaise on wholewheat and a fruity drink! Time was when I would have made an anal sex joke about the popular lady presenter of The One Show, but to be honest nowadays I’d be more interested in asking how she got her teeth that white,’ the formerly edgy comedian told a woman who would shortly stop sleeping with him for not being famous enough any more.
‘Anyway, I’m going to have to look up which teeth-lady it is because there have been three apparently, all pretty similar, but which one got shagged by the footie guy who looked like a potato? I’m gonna have to mug up on all this. There was a time when I would base a whole routine on how I hated Gryff Rhys Jones and the different ways I could kill him, but I met him on a pilot show about healthy picnics and he was quite nice, and he really does talk like that! The money was shit, mind, but who knew how versatile and easy to prepare vegetarian tortilla wraps could be?’
‘I know this is going to be a disappointment to my fans, who were crazy like me back in the day, like late nineties, early noughties, but frankly, while I’m developing my new material and considering a career in music, it’s a case of needs must. I guess I’m mellowing a bit but there are still a few things I won’t do, even for artistic reasons, mainly Children in Need, quizzes, eating insects, pretending to own antiques or anything with Lennie Henry or Penelope Keith. I mean, ideally I’d be interested in a building society or a yoghurt commercial, as long as it’s a bit alternative.’