New species of carnivore may solve erectile dysfunction and make nice shoes

Black Rhinos everywhere were left celebrating a medical break through, which ‘victims of the limp noodle’ have hailed as more significant than the cure for smallpox. Within hours of finding the Olinguito in the cloud forests of Colombia and Ecuador, impotent scientists had ground the small mammal into a powdered remedy for ‘brewer’s droop’.

Seconds after discovering the Olinguito, a team from the Smithsonian Institution had already established plans to employ it in sexual remedies, cosmetic experimentation and to transform it into a nice pair of shoes. ‘We were not sure what we were seeing’, one zoologist confessed. ‘But my initial reaction was to shove the creature down my pants and to rub him on my floppy jalopy. And low and behold, where previously the blood didn’t flow’, I had some ‘yeast’!

As any online Canadian Pharmacy will attest, there are big bucks in ‘wonky willy syndrome’. Shares in viagra, vacuum pumps and ginseng have already taken a tumble. The only one disturbed by the imminent exploitation of the latest addition to the racoon family, is the Olinguito itself. Dr Helgen, curator of mammals at the National Museum of Natural History said: ‘It’s hard for me to explain how excited I am’, while other scientists were simply excited by how hard they will become.

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Posted: Aug 16th, 2013 by

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