With conspiracy and counter-conspiracy theories concerning the famous accident heading into their seventeenth year, Her Majesty has decided to bring all the pomp and pageantry the public has come to expect from Royal activities to the procedure of probing the insane suspicions of the latest crackpot.
Speaking after his investiture ceremony at Buckingham Palace, Detective Inspector Howard Mithens of Scotland Yard said he is delighted with the honour of hereditary Knight of the Tunnel Crash.
‘When I pass on, my son will carry on probing new theories of what might have happened that night, and his son after him will carry on the tradition, and so on down through the decades and centuries’, he said. ‘In one man’s lifetime, one can only scratch the surface of this case. Mohamed Al-Fayed’s theory has been taken care of, but we have yet to hear from Giovanni Di Stefano and Dan Brown’.
Each new hypothesis on the case will be minutely examined, he explained. Then, following time-honoured protocol, the investigators will painstakingly grind their way to the same conclusion each time, i.e. that the Princess of Wales died because her driver was drunk and she wasn’t wearing her seat belt. ‘ Because it had been secretly tampered with by the Duke of Edinburgh and Mossad, oh hang on…’