Britain made a brave show in the recent World Bigotry Games, according to observers, but was no match against world class competition. Despite some early promise from UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom on Bongo Bongo land, Britain was comprehensively defeated by host nation Russia’s new swathe of anti-gay laws.
However, the real fireworks began with appearance of the Afghan Taliban, calling for the burning of all foreigners and women who wear make-up. At this stage, officials became so convinced that the Taliban were using banned substances that they held them down while investigators tried to find the cause of their astonishing powers.
‘It turns out they were boosting their systems’ natural stock of prejudices with intensive reading of the Daily Mail,’ said a British official. ‘Leader articles in the morning, followed by a Simon Heffer booster, then a marathon four-hour trawl through the comment sections of Jan Moir, which left the blood vessels throbbing on their temples. Trust those bloody goat-shagging rag-heads to cheat like that.’