The University Clearing Service UCAS has confirmed a late application for a Music Technology BSc at the University of Bedfordshire from One Direction. Wary that fickle fame might desert them, the Anglo-Irish pop band admitted they needed to ‘get serious’ after what they described as a very enjoyable gap year. However, UCAS administrators had some reservations about the number of tariff points accumulated from the boys’ scant collection of mediocre GCSEs, used panties and coloured bits of string.
Family of the band expressed relief that the boys were starting to grow up and take responsibility. ‘Who knows,’ said one sibling. ‘After three years at university they might be able to secure a job in the music industry’. This means that Niall and Zayn will be quitting their part-time jobs at Halfords, Liam and Louis will be withdrawing their application to McDonalds and Harry no longer needs to participate in clinical trials at Monkey World.
The band has opted for an unconventional ‘joint’ UCAS submission, in the hope that they will have enough A-levels between them. ‘A 92-minute documentary is an unusual format for an application,’ admitted an UCAS spokeswoman. ‘And, as personal statements go, ‘This is Us’ is a relatively short CV and contains no reference to work experience, Duke of Edinburgh awards or the obligatory inspirational work of literature. And it’s an anagram of ‘Us is Shit’, as everyone except them realised at once.’
The boys admitted that their original application for a medical degree course was perhaps overreaching and that the lyrics to ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ were no substitute for A-levels in Biology and Chemistry. That said, they were looking forward to the challenge of varsity life and meeting girls their own age.
‘This is unreal,’ said singer Harry Styles, happy that completing the UCAS process online ensured that his collection of crayons were not depleted. All five listed their next of kin as ‘Simon Cowell’, although it remains unclear whether he had inseminated each of their mothers or relied on his stockpile of ‘Louis Walsh juice’.