A terrifying new form of terror was revealed today and we should all be terrified. Scientists discovered the terror by accident when searching for reasons to remind us of old terrors we have got over.
‘In theory you could die in any way imaginable with this new thing,’ said terror export Dr Lawrence Moore. ‘I’d imagine it would prey on your darkest fears and force you to live them out. In my case, my vital organs would slowly leave my body through my genitals while I watched a marathon of Michael McIntrye DVDs.’
Moore added that it may not happen today or even tomorrow but definitely soon. ‘Hopefully the 27th, I got that in the office pool.’ The government has advised people to go home, assume the fetal position and gently weep until this is all over.