The EU has ruled that the countries formerly known as the United Kingdom must cease using that name forthwith, as it is not an accurate description.
‘The Scots hate everyone else, the English hate the Scots, according to Nigel Farage, the Irish hate each other and the Welsh – well, heaven knows what they think at the best of times,’ ruled a Franco-German team of judges. ‘And anyway, you haven’t got a king.’
The EU has therefore ruled that the UK has seven days to replace all references to ‘the United Kingdom’ with ‘the internecine hatred-riven Queendom’. The British government has promised to do this as soon as all references to the ‘European Union’ are replaced by ‘hopelessly dysfunctional continent that has never been a union except briefly under German rule’.