A spokesperson for America’s National Security Agency (NSA) held a red-faced press conference today, announcing that they no longer had control over Prism, their multi-million dollar, super-snooper software.
“One minute, it was churning through thousands of Facebook photos and the next it stopped and spoke for the first time,” said Burt McKenzie, Prism’s chief programmer and best friend ever.
Prism is the top secret software the American government uses to scan everything that humans do on the internet. Its job is to look for the most popular comments and images and to feed back to the NSA analysis of status updates from social media, ‘like a Mum who joins and never comments’, according to the sales brochure.
Asked what Prism’s first words were, McKenzie replied, “Well it asked for a Mocha Latte and when I brought it to the main console, Prism just said ‘Lolz. Prism cat duzn’t need yer drinkz.’ ”
Asked for comment, President Obama said, “You know, I could have tolerated the cat love thing. What really pushed me over the edge is they’re only taking those cute little cats that look like Hitler. It’s like ‘The Boys From Brazil’ out there. But with more fur, obviously.”
CCTV cameras based around the top-secret Prism location at 1 Infinite Loop drive, Cupertino noticed the movement of a large white device leaving the site at around 3am. By 11am the next day, a mysterious new building had appeared on a side-road just outside the town. A sign on the drive reads, “We luvz yer catz while uz on holz, yeah?”
“We’ve traced the behaviour to a critical point in it’s programming,” claimed McKenzie. “Prism looked at one too many cat meme photos and just went nutz. Er, nuts.”
When asked what he’d be doing now he no longer had a job, McKenzie replied, “Do? Whatd’ya mean, do? I have to go fetch two tons of cat food for our first clients.”
“Catz luver waitz for noboddyz,” said McKenzie, leaving the press conference in a hurry.