Reports linking a possible TB outbreak on Wimbledon Common to the activity of Wombles have been described as ‘malicious and untrue’ by their leader, Great Uncle Bulgaria. Fearing reprisals, he insisted the group would defend themselves, making very good use of the things that they’ve found, including several handguns and a batch of AK47s that were discovered under the bushes.
“It’s a matter of survival,” said the tartan-clad children’s favourite speaking through a traffic cone between taking potshots from the safety of his underground lair. Beside him, Orinoco Womble threatened to ‘Waste anyone who comes near’, in clear contravention of the Womble ethic which ordinarily shuns waste of any kind.
The safety of the wombles is uncertain as SWAT teams prepare to gas the site, and as the stand-off intensifies, locals are recalling the last time an incident like this happened, in 2002, when Madame Cholet incorrectly self-diagnosed a bad case of thrush. On that occasion Bernard Cribbins reported the matter to DEFRA ‘just to be on the safe side’.