The National Football League (NFL) has made a discovery that has sent the medical world into confusion. Since 1920, thousands of American footballers haven taken part in an elaborate experiment to repeatedly ‘ram their heads together’ in the hope of generating an alternative source of energy. Much to everyone’s surprise the study has concluded that there was not enough kinetic force to ‘boil an egg’ but enough traumatic brain injury ‘to elect George W Bush again’.
The initial data on cognitive impairment was inconclusive, as the tactics of the average NFL match already resembled the actions of a befuddled egg-plant. One doctor acknowledged: ‘Our suspicions were first aroused when we noticed that in no other sport do the participants dress like a marshmallows’.
Despite suffering no such head trauma themselves, fans regularly display the concentration of a goldfish. So mind numbing is the NFL, that interest is only maintained through constant squad rotation between downs, intravenous infusions of deep fried fat and scantily clad women waving brightly coloured balls of string.
The medicinal properties of other sports have been long established, with tennis being a reliable cure for insomnia, ice hockey alleviating pacifism and cricket taming hyperactivity (and ‘the will to live’). However doubts are emerging that boxing may not be an effective cosmetic ‘cure for acne’. While rugby can treat abstinence it can also lead to what doctors call a ‘picasso-ing’ of the face. In turn, golf can help rid you of excessive wealth but it guarantees an existence dressed as a circa 1970’s pimp.
‘Obviously the easiest solution was for one of us to look up ‘concussion’ in the dictionary,’ admitted an NFL spokesman. ‘But you’ll be pleased to hear that much of the $675m of injury compensation will go to providing therapeutic activities for those in recovery; these include kickboxing, base jumping and Ferret Legging.’