The milk was the property of Mrs Janine Smythe. ‘One minute it was fresh and nice, then I left it for half an hour and when I returned it was basked in eerily intense sunlight, reflected from the top of the tower block of flats opposite,’ she told a press conference. The block, Wight Towers, thought to be the Island’s second tallest building, has courted controversy since an alleged in-lift urination allegation dating back to 1986. Now islanders are calling for the unpopular edifice’s demolition, lest it causes more harm to dairy products, for which the Isle is justly famous.
‘In the short time I took my eye off that milk, it had become suspiciously warm, and when my husband arrived back from shopping two hours later he thought it was ‘on the turn’. I did not taste it as I am intolerant.’ said Mrs Smythe, in a verbal statement.
However, it’s understood the allegedly freak souring was caused by a once-in-a-million combination of circumstances. ‘This was an accident waiting for it to happen to itself,’ said IOW County Council Buildings Manager Jeremy Smythurst. ‘We have now established the chain of events. A Mr Jeff Smithers who lives on the second to top floor of the building had gone on holiday to nearby Ventnor, leaving his powerfully convex shaving mirror accidentally angled towards Mrs Smythe’s kitchen, some 326 feet below.’
He continued: ‘Not anticipating the Indian Takeaway Summer which we are now enjoying, Mr Smithers couldn’t have known the havoc this course of events would wreak on the milk. We have put out an urgent call to him to return home, but Ventnor is a big place, and so far we have not run him to ground. If he is reading this I urge him to turn himself in, then return home and turn his mirror round, or shut his bathroom curtains or both. All three, preferably. No prosecution is intended. If he is not reading this, there is not much else we can do until Monday.’
Meanwhile residents living near the block have been advised to refrigerate their perishables, including cheese. But in a surprise statement the Isle of Wight Food Agency, having lab tested the milk in question said its status is questionable: ‘it would probably be all right in coffee with at least one sugar, or on a chocolate-themed cereal product,’ a spokesman said.
Meanwhile, in a separate development, Isle of Wight milkmen involved in a pay dispute say they will ‘refuse to lactate’ at weekends.