GMB refuses to fund Shadow Cabinet’s ‘mid-life crisis’

Explaining their decision to cut its Labour donation from £1.2m to £150,000, a spokesman for the GMB said: ‘Our members are no longer willing to subsidise bass guitar lessons, the constant Googling of fetish clothing and an £84 a day ‘weed habit’ and 300,000 annual porn hits.’

Which member of the Front Bench is addicted to illicit browsing is unclear, but Douglas Alexander is rumoured to favour ‘tough love’, the ‘three line whip’ and a ‘firm seeing to’ by Black Rod. It has also been alleged that Andy Burnham has remortgaged his house to purchase a ‘honey magnet‘ Porsche 911, Stephen Twigg has fallen under the spell of a ‘Latvian lap dancer’ and that Yvette Cooper and Ed Balls have acquired matching ‘spider tattoos’.

Ed Miliband, who has just returned from his ‘gap yah’ trekking the Himalayas, dismissed the suggestion that Sadiq Khan and Jim Murphy had quit the party months ago and were on an extended motorbike holiday.

A spokeswoman for the Deputy Leader Harriet Harman justified her part in the party’s ‘questioning of its life style choices’, saying: ‘She just wanted to adopt a cat, you know? She’d reached that stage. Yoga wasn’t doing it for her. The kids had left home. And she just said, why not? Why not? Oh, she’s also getting a genital piercing. Cool, huh?’

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Posted: Sep 5th, 2013 by

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