Obama urges military intervention in BBC civil war

all options open, including 'doing very little'

The President of the United States has today redoubled his efforts to form a coalition of international support to intervene in the increasingly bloody conflict within the BBC.

‘We cannot stand idly by and watch this great institution destroy itself,’ Obama told the G20 summit. ‘I know many people won’t know which side’s stories to believe, but I think we all accept that the sickening level of payoffs to BBC executives amounts to humanitarian abuse of the British taxpayer. Not to act would be to condone this gross mismanagement.’

The US envoy to Britain has urged General Chris Patten to control his lust for glory after recent exchanges have resulted in heavy casualties on both sides. But the Americans are equally concerned by the conduct of former Director-General Mark Thompson after he yesterday opened fire in front a crowded select committee resulting in thousands of innocent middle and senior managers in the BBC being mown down in front of their secretaries.

‘As a first step we should send in UN remunerations inspectors,’ continued Obama, ‘but having studied the TV listings we now fear the BBC is harbouring weapons of mass distraction. If we do not intervene now there is the risk of schedulers committing some real atrocities and some of these shows being used against the viewing public.’

But in a call to Radio 4’s You and Yours programme President Putin has resisted international pressure to intervene. ‘Scarcely anyone listens to this tiny British outlet any more,’ he told a press conference. ‘The Ken Bruce pop quiz is far too easy, and I hate all the new characters in the Archers. Especially Rob. I now only like to hear Midweek, with the excellent Libby Purves. Have her brought to my private apartment in the Kremlin. Tonight!’

nickb (hat-tip to Titus)

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Posted: Sep 9th, 2013 by

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