The Association of Chief Police Officers (ACPO) has suggested that the UK’s lubricated revellers could be used to generate future Coalition strategy. By attaching a series of monitoring devices to ‘privately-run’ cells, the ACPO claim that the ‘alcohol induced’ ramblings of the ‘average Geordie’ could provide Ministers with a range of inspired policy ideas.
Every Friday evening at ‘closing time’ sexually aggressive, yet opinionated, youths will be shepherded into holding pens. Inside the cell their intoxicated stream of consciousness will be transcribed by civil servants. A Downing Street spokesman explained: ‘Not every burp, expletive or soiled trouser leg is going to turn into legislation. There’s going to be an editing process. But, like sifting through their vomit – you will find the occasional pearl of wisdom, Tory manifesto pledge or lump of carrot’.
While 50% of all violent crime is alcohol-related, nearly 87% of all Coalition initiatives are the result of alcohol, barbiturates or an elaborate dare. Many of the world’s most creative minds have achieved their greatest work under the influence – Hendrix on cocaine, Lennon on LSD or James Corden on Red Bull. As one Minister pointed out: ‘You only have to look at the sterling work achieved by Michael Gove on amyl nitrate, Ian Duncan Smith on horse tranquilizers or Nick Clegg on hay fever remedy’.
So successful has the pilot scheme been in gauging the ideas of a public ‘three sheets to the wind’, that free school meals for primary schools have been scrapped in favour of the erection of a 500ft kebad in Scunthorpe town centre. A spokesman for the Humberside Police and Crime Commissioner, Matthew Grove, said: ‘Gerroff me! I’m not fit-shaced. I’m ash sober ash…I’ve got thesh greaaaat idea… Letsh have a pance darty! Wheeeere d’ya think yeeeeer goin’? I looove you. I looove you, man.’