Ed Miliband has asked dissident Irish republican groups for their help in making the Labour Party conference more newsworthy by means of some kind of atrocity, it has emerged. Indeed, the Labour leader selected Brighton for the conference venue based on the fact that IRA members know the town pretty well and any street maps used in the 1980s will probably still be valid today.
Miliband has even gone as far as to book the same hotel and the same room that Mrs Thatcher stayed in, but with added soundproofing. And sources claim that the party has pulled off a shrewd political move in hiring G4S to provide security for the event.
‘Ed’s been going around asking people to leave fire doors open, saying the air conditioning in his room is a bit dodgy,’ said Shadow Foreign Secretary Douglas Alexander. ‘He has also banned sniffer dogs from the premises, claiming he suffers from a fur allergy.’
Miliband hopes to provoke the Real IRA into swift action using his conference speech, an extract from which reads: ‘Friends, we are gathered here today not just to offer support to hardworking families, but to remember the towering achievements of Oliver Cromwell’s Irish campaign.’ He will follow this up by saying something rude about Martin McGuiness, The Edge and/or Dana, though probably not Jedward.
Meanwhile, potential terrorists have been notified that Miliband will be working on his conference speech until around 2 a.m. in an effort to avoid the worst of any explosions they might happen to carry out.
‘By appearing phoenix-like from the ashes of the Grand Hotel the next day and insisting that the conference goes ahead, Ed hopes the British people will trust him once more with the economy,’ Alexander added. ‘The added bonus is that any ‘collateral damage’ will allow him to adopt the mantle of messiah and reshuffle his shadow cabinet.’
Political analyst Cathy Newman said: ‘This is a huge political gamble, the success of which hinges on whether the British public is ready for the spectacle of Ed Balls being carried out of the hotel in his pyjamas.’