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Utility boss threatens ‘eternal darkness’ if energy prices frozen

historical data shows hell still warming nicelyCentrica, the company that delivers most of the UK’s gas, electricity and water and, from next year, most of its air too, has warned that there is likely to be a period of ‘eternal darkness’, if Labour’s newly announced plans to freeze the cost of fuel go ahead. This would include a never ending period of pestilence, disease, war destruction and death, plus a knock-on increase in house and car insurance costs.

‘What Labour doesn’t seem to realise is that we are facing an increasing level of costs,’ said Centrica CEO Mike Smythe. ‘Our shareholders continue to demand greater profits, increased levels of luxury foods, cars and houses and attractive professional sexual partners from Latvia. All this comes at a cost. To you, obviously.’

Unless Centrica is awarded contracts for the supply of air under guaranteed wholesale prices to the whole UK, Smythe warned, oxygen supplies could also be under threat, with the elderly and ill most at risk. He also hit out at people hoarding air ahead of Centrica’s planned stock market flotation.

‘People who have stockpiled air in li-los, bicycle tyres, party balloons and inflatable women are acting irresponsibly,’ Smythe said. ‘It would be better if they just breathe slightly more deeply till a market-based ‘fair air’ price can be agreed.’

Centrica’s stance has won support from Satan, Prince of Darkness, who warned that an energy price freeze could also cause fuel shortages that would turn the abode of eternal suffering into a ski resort. The Evil One, who is on the board of several energy companies, denied any conflict of interest and dismissed allegations of scaremongering.

‘In the usual course of events, as the Daily Mail has explained in great detail, I would support the work of my close personal friend Ed Milliband,’ said the Angel of the Bottomless Pit. ‘But if the energy companies have to introduce power cuts, then the very thing that Hell is known for will go forever. Hell could freeze over and Hell will freeze over before I change my mind … er, bollocks, can I start again please…?’

Nickb, with a substantial contribution from apepper

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Posted: Sep 26th, 2013 by nickb

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