Tragedy struck in Croydon earlier today after a blaze broke out in IKEA, killing 130 shoppers. Most of those who died had just got into the shop entrance when the alarm sounded, forcing them into a 45-minute tour of the premises.
The blaze took hold slowly over the course of 20 minutes, during which many of the fatalities were observed on CCTV developing a morbid urge to keep perusing. 100 of the dead were found with a packet of scented tea lights, a set of pillow cases and a Malmosk.
One of the survivors, 25-year-old Justin Mitt, told reporters he had managed to escape by skipping the children’s bedroom section and going straight from tupperware to shelving. ‘I missed all of the Ryktig Olgas, Tykwitsxs and Gronkullas,’ he wept. ‘But at least I managed to get a plate of meatballs on the way out.’