Barack Obama and Hassan Rouhani became the first leaders of their respective countries since Jimmy Carter and the Shah to complain to each other about their wives’ cooking, tell a few knock-knock jokes of questionable decency and plan a prank call to a neighbouring head of state, – in this case President Assad, with Rouhani claiming the Syrian leader had ordered over a hundred pizzas from a Washington bakery and did he want Coke or Sprite to accompany them and could he give like a credit card number for the bill of $178?
In a historic development, Mr Obama introduced the Iranian President to the idea of the elephant joke with the one about America’s favourite singer ‘Harry Elafonte’. Mr Rouhani, guffawing, asked Obama whether he could text him some like ‘special’ pictures of Michelle. ‘Don’t worry, he wasn’t offended or nuttin,’ said the Iranian leader on state TV. ‘He like totally took it as a joke – he’s a safe guy, innit.’
‘That guy is a hoot,’Obama told the White House press corps yesterday. But the two men denied they had a ‘phone farting’ competition, or made personal remarks about US Secretary of State Hilary Clinton. The call lasted nearly an hour.
The President of Iran let it be known to the Iranian parliament how the call ended. “I said to my man Obama you hang up first and he said no you hang up first and I said no you rang me so YOU have to ring off first, dawg. That went on for about ten minutes. It was hi-la-rious, you know what I’m saying yeh?’
In a sop to his less moderate allies in the Iranian government, Mr Rouhani went on: ‘But you know, like, we totally gained a strategic advantage from this unorthodox contact with what we used to refer to as the Great Satan. Cos what Barack doesn’t know is that I like RECORDED THE WHOLE THING with this app you can get and it’s only 69p yeh? But you gotta have IOS 7 which I totally have had since the update. And I have got it in Persian, which is rare, man! So f*ck Android, cos they don’t even got it in Arabic bro?!’
‘And I am SO gonna put it on YouTube as a bargaining ploy, which could dictate the direction of like international affairs for decades to come and that? They’re gonna be like pwned.’
Encouraged by the raucous cheering of his Islamist audience, Rouhani suggested that he would be using ‘snigger diplomacy’ to court the Western media. ‘I’m gonna like prank up Jeremy Bowen, the BBC Middle East correspondent guy next week,’ he told a chortling Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini, ‘by phoning him up and pretending he’s like been invited onto a new Al Jazeera reality show where he has to eat spiders or something in exchange for us surrendering some nuclear shit. Workin’ on the details! Rofly, or what? You know, the TV guy with the moustache. No, not Paxman, the other one. Massive!’