Surgeons have grown a fully functional set of gonads on Nick Clegg’s forehead to replace the pair lost when he entered a coalition with the Tories, according to reports.
The pioneering procedure uses stem cell technology to recreate a convincing ‘packet’ which medics hope to implant in the area of Clegg’s groin that controls pleasure. A team of scrotal experts have spent nine months cultivating the graft for the 46 year-old politician whose original balls were damaged beyond repair during a battle over tuition fees.
Surgeons opted for the controversial procedure after it was decided that even with a pair of balls on the side of his head, Clegg couldn’t look any less of a twat. The striking images of the implant – with the exit ducts facing upward on the left side of Clegg’s forehead – drew widespread publicity at the Lib Dem conference last week giving hope to the millions of liberals worldwide who lack a pair of bollocks.
It is hoped the testes will boost Clegg’s effectiveness as a politician and their precise location means that sitting on the fence is never a problem. Secretary of State for Business Vince Cable said: ‘There was an unfortunate incident at the party conference when Clegg’s wife Miriam went to kiss him and ended up teabagging him.
‘The resulting mess caught several members of the front row and rendered Krishnan Guru-Murthy’s laptop unusable.’
Surgeon Rodney Charles added: ‘The new balls are designed to retract into Nick’s head in cold weather or when he’s angry.
‘Ask him about the Mansion Tax next December and you’ll barely notice them at all.’