A paranoid husband from Kent has left his wife of nine years after a thorough search of her laptop, journals, mobile phone and underwear drawer revealed that she is, in fact, a deeply boring person with nothing to hide.
Mark Ford, 43, a self-confessed jealous type, started snooping on his wife after a work colleague commented that she had nice legs. ‘Then the urge to know everything just overtook me,’ he said, ‘and the findings were devastating: absolutely nothing, just a browser history of showbiz gossip sites, a phone full of notes-to-self and a drawer packed with sensible knickers. Yawn.’
Mr Ford’s suspicions were further aroused when she went ‘away on business’ with a male colleague to a boutique hotel in Liverpool, but the trip showed no evidence of anything interesting. ‘According to the hotel TV viewing records she spent the whole evening watching on-demand episodes of ‘Come Dine with Me” said Mr Ford. ‘No wonder, when I asked her how her trip was, she looked away and mumbled ‘oh, fine’. God, I thought I knew her. She could at least have binged on BBC4.’
Mrs Ford issued the following statement via her solicitor: ‘There is nothing wrong with keeping a list of everything and writing ‘good’ or ‘bad’ by each, or reading reviews of different oven-mittens online before buying them. There is also nothing wrong with having a fetish for illicit sex to the sound of couples bitching about other peoples’ taste whilst pretending to like their food. I wish Mark luck with his online squirrel fisting appreciation club, and advise him to change his password more often.’