The acrimony between the Daily Mail and Labour leader Ed Miliband is set to worsen after the newspaper published fresh allegations that his aunt Emily ‘failed to watch the 2013 Oxford-Cambridge boat race’, substantially reinforcing its argument that the entire family hates Britain and wishes us all dead.
‘It’s clear from what we’ve found that the whole Miliband clan hates our country and our great traditions and would cheerfully murder us all in our beds tonight,’ explained the Mail’s chief loathing correspondent Geoffrey Levy. ‘Our intrusive investigations have revealed that Red Ed’s Marxist aunt Emily callously went shopping on the day of the boat race this year. If that’s not undermining our great British way of life, supporting terrorism, and wishing deliberate harm on your children, I don’t know what is!’
‘And worse still, she once told one of her neighbours that she can’t get excited about the boat race at all because she doesn’t like rowing and didn’t go to Oxford or Cambridge so she “doesn’t give a toss”. How could anybody bring themselves to vote for this vile woman’s nephew? It makes me sick to the stomach.’
Levy’s articles will also go on to reveal how Ed’s cousin Graham often doesn’t eat fish on Fridays, his uncle Fred prefers foreign food such as ‘lasagne’ to roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, and his brother David once had a friend who claimed never to stand up during the Queen’s Christmas message. ‘Evil. They’re all evil I tell you!’ screamed Levy. ‘And anybody who votes for him must therefore be pure evil as well!’
Among the most damning revelations is the news that Ed has a long-lost second-cousin once removed, Timothy, who, according to a scribble found in the front of an old school exercise book, did not love Diana Princess of Wales with all his heart.
‘Not only did he record in 1997 at the age of 14 that he didn’t cry for at least 72 hours after she died, but he didn’t watch her funeral either. And yes, Ed Miliband didn’t know this cousin existed or know his name and had never met him or his parents, but this is pretty solid evidence that our so-called Leader of the Opposition was singlehandedly responsible for the princess’s death and if elected would turn Britain into a godless Communist republic, give everybody cancer and send our house prices plummeting.
‘This is the family that shaped Miliband and his so-called politics. And wait till you hear what our reporter found out about what his pet goldfish thinks about Kate Middleton – that fish is worse than Hitler.’