Following concerns about high summer temperatures, the 2022 World Cup will now be hosted inside huge desert snow domes, according to its organisers. At half-time, giant hands will scoop up the domes and shake them to get the snow going again.
‘At first we thought this was impossible,’ said a FIFA representative. ‘But then we saw Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani on YouTube wearing a curved jewel-encrusted gold sword, clapping his hands three times and bellowing “I command the snow and the giants to come forth!” That’s all the guarantee we needed.’
‘We think this is a great deal for England fans,’ FA chairman Greg Dyke told the BBC. ‘Northerners will have a terrific time, with the chance to get a lobster tan then dance around in the snow with their shirt off. And first class male Arsenal fans have been promised at least one ticket to watch floggings for “illicit sexual relations”, which may even become the once-in-a-lifetime chance to attend a public execution.’
Middle Eastern scientists are already working hard in their underground laboratories to create the 20 million tonnes of artificial snow needed, from little more than soap, ice and enriched weapons grade uranium.
British fans will be made to feel even more at home by the artificial snow turning to artificial slush, causing treacherous conditions on staircases inside stadiums. ‘We’re working on that,’ said a Qatari spokesman. ‘We’re planning to use Ghurkas as ushers – if any survive that long.’