In a bold move, the Conservative leader has pledged to keep all under-25s in education, meaning a bumper crop of GPs, and the occasional frighteningly large kid who never quite made it out of primary school. ‘Thus,’ he assured assembled reporters, ‘the UK’s unemployed youth will no longer be obliged to mimic the Tories by avoiding ‘tax, honest graft and ironing their own shirts’.’
Mr Cameron promised to create a ‘land of opportunity’ for the new generation of doctors, but there may also be a downside: ‘Of course if every youngster has a medical degree, we are going to have a shortage of patients,’ admitted one Minister. ‘That’s why George Osborne is working tirelessly to create outbreaks of scurvy, malnutrition and disease amid the indentured populace’.
A spokesman for Michael Gove explained people just needed a ‘nudge’, ‘a thump’ or ‘an electrode to the testicles’ to motivate them to apply to medical school: ‘You don’t need A-levels, you just need your welfare support cut. Yes, you’ll owe £46,000 at the end of the process but if things ever appear bleak, a young thing like yourself can always go on the game.’