Boris Johnson today abandoned any pretence that he is ashamed of his manhood, and in a series of press conferences refused to talk about anything other than his own penis.
‘My plan,’ he bumbled in response to a question about election campaigns, ‘is to get a tattoo on my penis which says ‘Boris’ when flaccid, and ‘Boris Johnson, future Prime Minister’ when erect. The whole of London should get the message when I start waving it about on top of City Hall’.’
When asked what he thought of the Big Society, Johnson replied ‘I must say it reminds me of of something else big. Sometimes, in meetings, I can play with it in front of people because they just assume I’m scratching my knee. In fact, three-quarters of “Little Boris” has still failed to enter a woman, so I’m still technically a virgin – boff.’
Political commentators immediately spotted a potential policy steer in the mayor’s penile announcements. ‘Technically the general public has only accepted one quarter of coalition policies,’ said a journalist from the Observer, ‘so clearly Boris is hinting the Tories are about to start ramming the other three-quarters down peoples’ throats until they gag. At least he’s honest.’