Head of BBC Archive Dispersal Mike Smykkers told a press conference; ‘It is amazing that these episodes dating back to the mid 60’s have come to light after so long. But having restored them at great expense, we have decided to lose them more effectively this time, because they are awful.’
‘Flimsy sets, silly costumes, non-scary monsters, dreadful acting, uninspiring plots – they may have been revolutionary in their time, but now they’re only good for sixty-something nutters with original duffel bags containing Dairylea sandwiches and Tizer,’ he added, ‘not our digitally targeted audience of media savvy under 12’s.’
The current Who production ‘hub’ is based in a retro-chic, brand new disused warehouse in a secret location in Swansea SA18 4TJ. There, teams of creative interns are developing a new Who. The new Doctor could be female, black, disabled, gay, obese or – according to an insider – ‘all three’. The old Who – exemplified in these lost tapes – doesn’t fit the vision, if only because he or she is not in colour.
BBC Data Divestor Leader Melanie Smythers explained: ‘Back in the early eighties we did our level best to lose these tapes as vigorously as possible. We thought we had put them totally ‘beyond use’, alongside rare footage of yet-to-be arrested celebrities caught in flagrante, not including Sue Lawley. Now, though, without our knowledge, the BBC Archive Detection Unit, under the command of Brigadier Lethargy Moustache, appears to have re-discovered the tapes, and against the wishes of the Archive Dispersal Department, are lobbying the Transmission Broadcast Directorate to actually put them on TV. This would be an awful episode in the history of BBC TV. In fact it would be fifteen awful episodes, excluding the Christmas Special, which we are all praying remains lost, because of what the Daleks do at the end.
BBC Commander of Programme De-Storage Micky Smith explained: ‘This time the tape loss will be much better thought out. We will make digital copies of the tapes and lose them in cyber-space, as a back up. And we’ll mislay the analogue tapes on a yet to be decided continent, or even under the sea in a guaranteed not-waterproof container.’
Asked why the BBC doesn’t simply destroy the tapes, Commander Micky explained ‘that would require the agreement of the BBC Sustainable Recycling Committee, who were biodegraded for mulching in a new Blue Peter Rooftop Garden on the top of the New Broadcasting House, as part of cutbacks. The resulting vegetables will have educational value and trim staff catering costs.’