The Managing Director of British Gas, Ian Peters, has today confirmed plans to ‘remove’ a record number of adorable grandparents in the lead-up to Christmas. His vision is that the plans will rid his home town and beyond of the aged, which he believes will make roads ‘less hazardous’, ‘shorten the queues’ in his local Post Office, and remove the ‘annoying obligation’ he has to visit his mother on Christmas Day.
‘I really dislike old people,’ confirmed Peters at a press conference today. ‘They’re, like, really forgetful; they wear old, brown clothes; I can never get a doctor’s appointment after November the 1st; and they smell. I’m doing us all a favour. We’re hoping for lots and lots of snow this year.’
Pensioners, who are now officially ‘too poor’ to survive in light of the November fuel price increases set by British Gas, are currently being supported by charities who distribute tins of tomato soup with portable stoves that can run on any available fuel, along with emergency leaflets offering advice on which items of furniture are ‘safest to burn indoors’, but many fear it won’t be enough to save them.
When questioned about the criticism British Gas has received, in particular accusations that price rises are exploiting the vulnerable in the name of profit, Peters countered: ‘This is absolute rubbish. I can promise you that this price increase will not make British Gas a penny more in profit, this is genuinely just a personal vendetta I have against everybody over the age of 65.’
He added; ‘What?’